Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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