; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
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