I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
