Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
Also, beer. Big fan.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
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