She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Randomize
