I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
Randomize
