i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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