At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
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