How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
