That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
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