Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
How many fucks given?
0.12846
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
