apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
