Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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