So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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