Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
