I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
