i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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