All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
