he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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