Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
Randomize
