peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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