More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Randomize
