When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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