We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Randomize
