i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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