Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
Who wears a wallet chain?!
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
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