I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
The beer is more important than you right now.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
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