I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
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