so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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