When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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