make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
