i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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