If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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