Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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