On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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