dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
