I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
