well I can't set my house on fire every night
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Randomize
