I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
