there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
