woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
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