see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Randomize