they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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