why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Randomize
