dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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