just tell him i said nine months
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
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