my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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