Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
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