Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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