not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
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