anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
