some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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