Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
Randomize
