Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
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