Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
I currently don't understand fingers.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize
