He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
Randomize
