i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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