Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
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