Heybabeimwearingurpanties
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
Randomize
