I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
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